glorious

Friends - I feel it is my duty to inform you whenever I stumble upon a piece of information so glorious and awe-inspiring that I literally fell out of my chair and could not get up for 15 minutes. It is therefore my humble priviledge to notify you about a certain product that I think could make a substantial difference in each and every one of our empty, empty lives: of course, I am talking about the Magic Bullet.

Let me set the scene for you so that you can understand, more clearly, the massive genius of this product.

Imagine, if you will, a kitchen. Got it? Okay. Now, imagine if you will, a group of artifically attractive people sitting around this kitchen table in summer dresses. And now that we've got that down, picture a guy with a Ringo Starr accent and a strangely sexual attraction to kitchen appliances and his barbie doll wife. They are all enjoying what seems to be some kind of smooth, frozen, fruit beverage.

A man walks in - for some reason already dishevveledly dressed for work although the set seems to be in the morning. He asks them not to be so loud - he clearly is hung over.

The man with the Ringo Starr accent asks him if he'd like a "smoothie". "What kind do you have?" the hung over individual queries. "What kind do you want!" the man with the R.S. accent orgasmically declares more than asks.

As it turns out, with the help of the Magic bullet, and a bunch of apparantly free ingredients, you can make a smoothie out of any fruits you want, just throw 'em in and then turn the little thing, and then count out loud 5 seconds for effect, and you have a fresh smoothie!!!! And then, magically, it cleans itself and you can make 7 other fancy dishes like omelettes, salsa, all this other shit, all with this little magic bullet!!!

But isn't it hard to use?

NO, shithead!

Just turn the top cup thing and watch it grrrrrrind whatever's inside it into tasty oblivion.

But, reader, just when you think you've seen everything this little thing can do, a horribly unattractive woman walks in, her face covered in eyeshadow, hair looking like roadkill, a half-burnt cigarette sticking out of her twizzler-red saggy lips, and sits down at the table. Her name is Hazel. Ringo Starr welcomes Hazel, and she grunts.

Ringo's barbie doll wife has a question for everybody: what's the worst thing you have to do in the kitchen?

Hazel speaks up - she hates to chop garlic (perhaps she's chopping so much that men are repulsed by her scent, and that's why she's living in a television studio).

Barbie then squeals with squeamish delight - "watch this," she says - and throws some complimentary cloves of garlic into the bullet - presses down on the cup thing, and within 3 seconds (cause who has the time anymore) she has fresh, chopped garlic.

basically, everyone craps themselves at how easy it is to use and a massive orgy ensues, right there on the infomercial.

Don't believe me? watch it for yourself.

Long story short, I now have 35 magic bullets in my possession.

I suggest you treat yourself as I have done.

q.e.d