state of the

I've been told that sometimes I let my opinions of people slip while they're in front of me. I don't know if this is a good thing or a bad thing but the fact is I either like somebody or I don't like somebody, very few people fall in between. And lately I have had an increasingly short leash for my temper and opinion with the people I don't like. I suppose it's not bad if I don't like somebody, there's no crime in that. I've never been able to hold that in, though, and that is a major flaw of mine. I feel the need to talk to people about it, to share my feelings about people because it feels so sickly good and evil at the same time, I need it, I dont know if its because I think i'm better than them, I know in the grand scheme of things I'm not better than anybody nor vice versa, but I just need to know that people think like me maybe? That I'm not alone in my critique of people? I'm too critical. I know this. I need to keep it inside better. But inside it just goes hyperkinetic and I go crazy. So what to do, what to do. I guess a diary or something is what that's for. What do I do I can't help it. I don't take criticism well, nobody does, but I especially don't, I take it so personally but with this i can't help myself. At the HIllel, where I spend a large amount of my time, there's just too many people who get me going like that - I can't help talking about it. I shouldn't, I shouldn't shouldn't shouldn't, but I do. There's the one who is so proud of the fact he's never travelled anywhere and lives 20 minutes away from school. There's the one whose voice gets loud when he disagrees with anything you say. There's the one who always comes is not jewish sits there doesnt do anything makes people feel awkward and can't take social cues. there's the loud obnoixous conservative one. there's the one who is supposed to be in charge but is more immature than all of us. there's the girl who always butts into everybody's conversations. am i feeling suffocated. what is happening. how have i become such a gossipper? I'm not one, i swear to god - but when you lack other things to talk about, the easiest thing to talk about is other people. that's what it came down to. that's how we grew closer. and now we're close and need to go beyond it. i'm going to overcome it. i still need to talk about it. energy without a plug. something like that. give me a power strip. figuratively and literally. both ways of reading strip. and power. she, the one who told me i need to stop letting those things slip, still likes me. i think. thats good, it makes me feel good. people criticize each other and remain friends, still like each other. that's good. i learned that yesterday, that's good. resiliency. self-comfort. confidence. good. move on, hold my tongue. hold my tongue. ive got lots of other things to talk to people about. i see it in their body language - they feel the same way. am i still a good person. for god's sake tell me i'm a good person. i want to be a good person. i am a good person. my last name has the word good in it. can i still be good and dislike? i can, right? yes? please?

I kissed her. I kissed her and all the bad things went away. and all those little bastards inside my head cracked their necks and looked in a different direction, and god damn it i folded up a little map of my self-doubts and problems, put it in my back pocket and put my hand on it every once in a while to make sure it was still there. it was there, it'll always be there, and let's hope the parchment yellows and crumbles, flows through the fingers like soft sand, sand on the eyes, the colors fly and explode against the black, then they die, and i fall asleep.