shadowing

a few years ago, when I would get angry, really angry, and it happened a lot, i would scream, i would punch walls and doors, i would throw everything i could get my hands on across the room, including valuable things, i felt my pulse boil instantly, clenched fists, etc.

today i looked at my face in the mirror and felt a similar way because i was disgusted with what i looked like and i knew it was nobody's fault but my own. in one of those blind rages discussed earlier I tried to scratch up my face, but that didn't accomplish anything except that now i have these red marks on my cheeks.

its been a fine week but ive seen things that other people have or have accomplished that i want for myself that i could have had if i had had a different attitude.

i'm disgusted at what I can produce when I have such high expectations for myself. my body is me, i suppose, but i can't control it, cause if i could, i wouldn't look in the mirror and want to scream so loudly that my vocal chords burn. i guess my body is me but i am not my body, in this instance.

fuck

this turned into an emo song.